Thursday, October 2, 2008

it has always been me and you. it will always be us

ive seen with my 2 eyes the sheer impossibility of it all. Aside from the fact that prolly im never going to see the light of the day anytime soon,
ALL the odds are against me.all i have is my fitness first idea (wc is useless) and my bestfriend.
my mum stayed with me for the whole night. she is scared of what im going to do with myself.
actually, i am too. im scared.but there are alot of worse things than being scared.
its being alone.
and the thought of you taking your love for granted without actually realizing it.
and the thought of your love knowing about what you've done.
and knowing inside yourself that you couldve stopped it before its too late, but not having the courage to do so.
the thought of everyone hating you,being angry with you.

just to talk to him, would be too much, no words could come out of your mouth.that look, that loathing look he usually gives to other people but you, cause all he gave you was love,understanding
time,and more.
how can i tell him its not bullshit?how can i tell him that as it gets longer, it didnt get any easier,at all?
now i know what he felt when i left him.when he asked me to take him back,when he cried alone at night, no one really being there for him
while i was out, i was having "fun" i was making the most out of my life.

and that secret selfish thought that you just wanna take him away from everyone, protect him from them eventhough you are the one who hes going to stay away from
and staying away he would.i know he would.
and knowing this time, you would give up everything, absolutely everything to have him back, to cuddle him, to rock him in your arms till the both of you cry to hold him and just not let go.
to keep him for yourself, cause he deserves all the love that he lacks.
and being so sure, that after what you did, he doesn't love you anymore..now when you've realized that losing him is losing half of yourself.
i dont want this. i dont want these thoughts.i dont want these flowery words.
~
for me to ask to the devil if i could just turn back the time 4months ago,i couldve stopped the fights,the petty arguments,the lousy excuses.EVERYTHING.

i am hurt, i am deeply hurt. not because of what he's doing to me,but because of what i did to him.
what a fragile and vulnerable angel he is.and i corrupted him. corrupted his trust.
i cancelled the thought of me talking to him. its just useless.id rather have the fond memory of him on my mind,the one when we are most happiest
(The one when we are on each others arms) than meet him now and see the cynic, disgusted look on his face.

Sometimes, i close my eyes. And think really really hard..i could almost smell him..i could almost smell his nape which i love to burrow on..
the scent of his after work shirt which i dearly love.i could almost feel him pinching my nose with his hands.i could almost feel him caressing
my face.i could almost picture him out mouthing i love you to me which never fails to give me a sense of satisfaction knowing that i was really lucky to have him.

i was.but now i am not. ive thrown him away unintentionally. ill never get to smell him, or even the mere nearness of him.
now more than ever.

and lastly, the one where he hugs me losely,while asking me "you are never gonna leave me again right?" and me answering "never"
because i have no plans on leaving him.ever.
my lack of courage and love for truth made him leave.
yes i cheated on him.and now that its too late, i cant have him back.now when it's really over,and the thought of "why did i ever hooked up wit that guy anyway" is now in my mind
he hates me
i love him
and im so so scared to even say it now more than ever.
it will never work.
never again.

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