Thursday, April 30, 2009

Message of the Day


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Today Marks the First Month

"i don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for..."

today marks the first month of me being away from...

maybe that's why i've been melancholic for the past few days.. cause ive been dreading this day..
and i'll be dreading the week after this day cause that's when i knew that you already have someone else...

"i've got no hold on you now"....

Monday, April 27, 2009

Aboitizland Summer Get Away

TEAM AIR FORCE juan, este ONE!



we still manage to have a pose even in the middle of a mission

oh you competitive one..

the troop yell that could

*Become a Fan

Sunday, April 26, 2009

the pain that woke me up this morning

when will i ever stop missing you?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Come April 25th

I am wishing myself goodluck

it'll be our company beach outing at Cordova Reef.. which will end around 10pm.

hafta think of going to Mabolo cause of Iton/Jayr's fiesta

hmm.. i think i will stay there until 12ish, i dont wanna get drunk.yet


Monday, April 20, 2009

Existentialism-Thy name is Nym

here goes my first basic speech for Toastmasters:

Haha- there, I just told a joke.
My name is Nym.
Either my parents have a corny sense of humor, or they got confused with noun usage.
I'm sensing neither.

My complete first name is Nym Wales (what?). Yep, you heard it right. And no, I'm not gonna say it again in fear of having deductions for redundancy.
When asked as to where I got my name, I tell people that it's a pen nameo f a chinese communist writer, which is true. It a bit deep right? but honestly, I just googled my answer.
I grew up in manila, a place where they think molotov cocktails are actually cocktails. For someone who has a unique name (albeit a friendster doppleganger), I had a pretty normal childhood. I was raised to act like a boy during my formative years.
I guess it's a subconcious disappointment of my dad that his only child is a girl, sans the girl-y upbringing. Even though my dad is a seaman and is always away, his presence was more fomidable than my mom's

I grew up surrounded with books and different game consoles. If you would ask me what's my favorite toy back then, it was my mom's typewriter. Not because I was that serious, but I just like the the sound it makes especially when i "type" fast. I loved that typewriter so much so that my first ambition was to become a scriptwriter.
I never had the chance to have a second ambition. Maybe I never really needed one.

However, this need to be a scriptwriter induced me to always learn more. There's a lot of things in this world waiting to be discovered and I feel like it's waiting for me.
Reading became my therapy and elixir. It also became my oasis for random trivias, ideas and mantras that I live by.
I am competitive, and when push comes to shove, and I have to push a rival in a manhole in order for me to win, I will do it. No hesitations.
I am secretly manipulative and I like being dumb on the surface. Believe me, it makes a lot of things easier for me.
I am fickle too. I choose who I want to be friends with, sounds pretentious right? But then again, no one wants to be with an addict, unless you are too.

I easily get obsessed on the most unusual things. I call it my "phases." Last month, I was obsessing on getting a Masters Degree on Literature, Franz Kafka and his ideas of non conformity.
This month I'm on my torn jeans,DB shirts,jam legend,waterball and tanning obsession.

I believe in my freedom. When Jean Paul Sartre mentioned about men being condemned to be free, I'm sure he was talking about me.
Although a part of me believes that love is overrated. I believe in soulmates. it was about the best thing you could have-better than a tattoo ro henna patterned nails or a cappucino maker.
Statistics are true that the world is a velcro. most of us fall from the standard deviation, but there are outliers. if we believe in the existence of jerkiness,and some of us do, then we also have to accept the importance of the opposite extreme.

I had my heart broken on the last week of March, it is one of the most traumatizing experience I had in my life. Worst than taking Accounting Classes three times, and way worse than having your guts ripped out of you suddenly. At least, with the ripping your guts out part, you'd be dead before the whole process is over, with being heartbroken, every day is one survivor game. Outwitting your alter ego, Outplaying your negative thoughts and Outplaying your urges to retaliate.

I might sound bitter by saying this, but everyone should get their hearts broken at least once in their life. It teaches them a lot of things that they'll never learn by being cocooned in their own safe world.
I am still undergoing the process of "healing" and thankfully, I have a lot of time in my hands, as one of my close friend said, you are not given these problems only to feel pain but to learn from it and use the learning to help others.

I have a love hate relationship with my work as a Customer Service Assistant in Aboitizland. It keeps me high for 9 hours straight and keeps me craving for a 12-hour sleep during weekends. It makes me frustrated, impatient, nauseated and angry. I love the fact that we get to interact with alot of different people from
Speaking of which, I've been taking anger management lessons via Nintendo DS, I've come to accept the fact that some things are unchangeable and belting out your frustrations all at once doesn't really help you in the long run.

Jean Paul Sartre once said, Man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world--and defines himself afterwards.

I exist , I've encountered my real self, I am surging in the real world, and as i continue this journey called life, I am defining myself.

Existentialism, they name is Nym

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Blues Clues Everyone? *Saturday

More Talk
Fully Booked
Rap Talk and Sandino more more talk
Sandino accusing me of mindfcuking him
(jeebus, him thinking of that is waaaay beyond me)
got uber pissed cause im just trying to HELP.
met up with ella at sunburst. hitched on dinner. weeee!
got pissed again cause of sandino being moody, decided not to push it since
he's in his uber mooooody state
Met up with Ella and her friends at Cabanas *Become a Fan
Met up with Tons at Tapa King and he intro-ed me to his Cebu Tambayan friends.
let's just say ella and i got home around 4am happy. :))
*singing all the single ladies, all the single ladies..



don't mindfcuk me.

i dont wanna be back where i was 3 weeks ago.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

in just a span of 3 minutes..

*Become a Fan of Ashton Kutcher
*Become a Fan of I AM SINGLE

-oh joy

Girls' Night Out

with Denise and Daryl. Yesterday.

Was 15 minutes late for the meet up (blame it on Daryl who needs to have his keys dup-ed)
Some people do really get stuck at anal, yes?

What I thought was a mellow talk turned out to be a sorta fun one.. Til Denise mentioned that Ryan is now going out again with someone else.

Which, by the way, I don't need to know. HAHA. Peace Den!

Had a talk at Leona's (i hitched on Daryl's powdery-ish Hitched on Daryl's Criminal Water, got bored at Leona's, looked for any air-conditioned store to drink and somehow ended up at Sandtrap- A semi-american pub near Ma. Luisa

It was prolly my mental condition, but after one and a half shot of san mig light, i got sorta tipsy so I gave the rest of my beer to Daryl..with no qualms or whatsoever.
Went home at around 10ish, walked from SandTrap to outside Ma. Luisa.

TODAY? Another Day of my Survivor Series, I'm going to have my First Basic Speech for our Toastmasters later.

Wish me Luck!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


meet Steve and Denise later.
am I ready for it? I'm abit apprehensive.
I'm scared that I might remember HIM when I see their faces. I might remember what I've been living with for the past 3 years and what I'm gonna miss on this lifetime.

wish me luck.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Fra Lippo Lippi-Stitches and Burns

People say that I'm a fool
Well I don't know
At least I found out
What it takes to be strong
I was dreaming all day long
A drifting cloud
With eyes wide open
I would choose not to see

Now I don't want
To see you any more
Don't wanna be the one
To play your game
Not even if you smile
Your sweetest smile
Not even if you beg me
Darling please...

Say good morning to the world
I hope you like it
Take good care of all those
Things that we had
I've been looking for a way
For too long now
Seems like everything
Must come to an end.

Repeat Chorus

Time after time
Nothing that I can do
Knowing your ways and loving your ways
But not getting through at all
Day after day
Leaving the past behind
Coming to terms with stitches and burns and learning to fly again

Repeat Chorus

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I've seen her type before-Day 10

I almost went overkill last night.
I want to stop those images.when they lie naked in each other's arms.

I'd rather be left alone in the dark than imagine you and her officially together.
But i love you.
So if that will make you happy, I'd have to learn to just..let go.

Yesterday was a new day for me cause I'm starting a new theraphy.
It's called "surround yourself with the positive things and be with people who love you"
Jeff's The North Face ksack has an uber positive aura that everytime i look at it, i smile.
AS much as Ms.Lolay and everyone claims that this is a start of a "very romantic love story" no it's not.
Jeff is an uber good friend, and I like this "i'll help you up" friendship we have.
I'd like to note that when I lost Ryan, that's when I felt all the love people around me have been giving.
I wanna start every day thanking the Lord for testing me as a person and ending it with me seeing the good in every one.
Timer starts..... wait, it started yesterday. :p

Monday, April 6, 2009

Ashes and Wine

don’t know what to do anymore
I’ve lost the only love worth fighting for
that would show you,
that would make you hurt like me

all the same,
I don’t want mud-slinging games
it’s just a shame
to let you walk away
is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?

don’t know if our fate’s already sealed
this day’s a spinning circus on a wheel
I’m ill with the thought of your kiss
coffee-laced, intoxicating on her lips

shut it out, I’ve got no claim on you now
I’m not allowed to wear your freedom down

is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?

I’ll tear myself away
if that what you need
there is nothing left to say

is there a chance,
a fragment of light
at the end of the tunnel,
a reason to fight
is there a chance
you may change your mind
or are we ashes and wine?
reduced to ashes and wine
or are we ashes…

Day 9 of my survivor series

The pain is still as fresh as it was last week.
Nym is now a walking zombie, without wits or any common sense whatsoever, so if you find her staring off into space in the middle of the road, be corteous enough to push her in the sidewalk.

Yesterday I went to TAPTAP with Jeff. What supposedly was a reflection time for me turned out to be one of the most depressing times of my life. Jeff made it more melancholic by playing "ashes and wine".

That morning, I was full of hate and bitterness with my own self that I forwarded all the messages given by Ryan to him back, we argued and argued till i got exhausted and said " How many times do I have to offer my heart to you? You are so closedminded!"
he retaliated with one of the saddest messages I've ever recieved:
"How many times are you gonna hurt me when I open up for you?"

I've been in denial for so long that when I texted him what I said, it came out late...and wrong.
"I'm scared of you cause you are the one"
he then texted me with "coz you don't think"
my last message was "i do. i should've just put your decision my priority above everything else" + "my freedom is such a small price to pay compared to losing you"
and all went silent.

and now he's back to the same lost, confused and broken he once was before we met.
come home to me, we belong together.
Breathing is such a task without you...

As I've said to Jeff, this is the kind of love story that you would tell to your grandchildren.

World Upon My Shoulders

one emo photo at

the title is uber accurate, the description, again is uber accurate.

I guess it takes one Ryan Salvador III to push Nym Wales Juezan into the brink of insanity.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


guilty feeling got no rythm. XD

two wrongs won't make it right,

but it's suiting me just fine. :)

ha ha ha ha ha the jokes on me

all this time i've been moping around, getting drunk, emo and sh*t because of you,
there you go screwing around with someone.

*refer to the title

you even had the chutzpah to claim that the next day we broke up I was hanging out with RAPRAP the day after we broke up.


it's so pussy of you to blame me about the whole break up thing when I NOW found out that all this time, you've been fcuking your officemate.

i should've known better than to trust you.

..and to think i felt guilty that i wasn't enough for you, that i've been mean and all.
you were right, it's not me.

you might deny it now but we'll see in the future.

why do you have to resort to this? so that I'd know what it feels to be cheated on?
now we are both fair.

wait, we're not.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


at my cousin's house.
they know about the whole break-up thing.

I find it uber sweet that they were trying to cheer me up by showing me baby videos on youtube.

my 6th day of survival. its already 10ish

will go home and have my nightly vodka-induced sleep

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I should've

cared for you more.
kept all of my promises
never reactivated everything
thought of you and what you'd feel in every decision i'd make
been more fragile with you
never gotten grumpy when you ask me to miss call
never forgotten that you'll never get over it.
never blamed you for anything that was my fault
been more pro active than reactive
never force things with you.



moral lesson of the day:

Somber Girl
by: Light Chemist

Love is just a word, used to, make,
make her heart hurt

Somber girl, just wants it all, tryng to find, something she can't have
Desire for all, makes her want to fall
wash away, makes her human
Nowadays, it seems hard to find, someone who gives her peace of mind, how can you love,
if you can't take the time, taming yourself.

Love is just a word, used to, make
make her heart hurt.

Somber girl, with another broken heart, writing romance novel in the dark
looking for a lover, someone who would play the part, will she find it with anyone

Somber somber on the radio, tears fall, as she cross alone,
broken heart,
and a broken home, seems to be all she'd ever know
Melodrama, til the end of time, is the only thing that's on her mind,
how can she love,
if she can't even find, can't find her herself

Somber girl, with another broken heart, writing romance novel in the dark
looking for a lover, someone who would play the part, will she find it with anyone

Love is just a word, used to, make
make her heart hurt.

Ups and ups, and another downs, the larger swims, the manic drowns,
will she make it?
ups and ups, without the downs, she can swim but wants to drown
will she make it?

Love is just a word, used to, make
make her heart hurt..

Best Friends, Birthdays, Bohol, used to, and THE TALK

Tomorrow is a Saturday. One of those rare saturdays that I won't get to see you.
Prolly I should get used to it, considering that would be the kind of Saturdays I'm going to have for the rest of my life.

Truth is, I'm not ready to see you, but I can't help not seeing you, so my best friend suddenly had this idea of visiting our pregnant friend in Talisay and just stay there for the whole day.
Technically away from you, not by choice though. sigh, i will soon learn to get used to the safe sound of it.
I just go in from the office, for some random reason, I smelled my hair. It's smells of jeep dust.. which reminds me of your hair scent when you used to pick me up here from TERI.
god i miss you so.
I don't want to know where you're partying this Saturday Night. I want to stop this hurt.
I'll be at my cousin's house. It's Ace's birthday. I'm scared cause I know they'll be flogging me with questions as to where you are and what happened.
I don't think I can handle that.
Jeszha will be coming over tomorrow to borrow a knapsack from me. I haven't asked permission for the Bohol Holy Week yet but i'm crossing my fingers on it.

I have a friend from work, his name is JGarban. We had a very emotional talk about my situation. My current situation also happened to him (he=ryan). He said something that openned up a whole new truths that I know now.

"being in a relationship is a responsibility. when you cheated on him, you were being irresponsible. magpaka disente nalang unta ka ba nga imu siyang gibuwagan kaysa imu tung gibuhat. no offense, pero pagka iresponsable nalang jud nimu. If you think nga katong months nga ga balik mo kay all was forgotten and forgiven, torture to sa iyaha. Ryan might know that honest ka sa iyaha 100% sa gabalik mo, pero lahi naman gud, dili na pareha sa una nga musalig siya nimu."

then i started crying. right in front of Belo Medical Clinic in the Terraces. Then I told him I'm scared, and he asked me if I'm scared that Ryan is going to find out someone else at this time, and he said no, he's not. He needs time to think, to quote "in his own pace". And the best thing that I gave Ryan is this time to think.
another night of vodka-induced sleep.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rampant Blog Updates

I dare not overanalyze what had just happened.

If you want time to think, I just gave it to you.

You can have all the time you want. I spose i need time too. Time to be patient and to think things through..

I was never a good person to accept things that aren't going my way, but I've come to at peace with this one.
You don't want me to fight for this anymore, I'll leave it up to you.
I know you are hurt, and to proclaim that you can do it on your own is just a form of denial.
I know the least thing you want to do right now is to see me. And quite frankly, the feeling is mutual. I don't want to see you, as of the moment.
You are the sole evidence of my outmost failure in life. By not making you happy, by making the wrong decision and by being self-centered that everytime i do or decide to do something, i didn't stop and think what would you feel about it

Wala nako mag hope ryan.
I deleted all of my accounts except this one because i know,somehow,another person is feeling what im feeling.

Just So You'll Know

I told all my friends that if they ever saw you or have contacted slash communicated with you, I DON'T WANNA BE TOLD ABOUT IT.
we are already have been hurting enough as it is. I don't want to know what you've been up to. It's easier for the both of us that way.
And i would also appreciate it (a lot) if you don't judge me just cause i'm with my friends after work. I'd like to smoke my cigs with my friends even if they don't, the worst thing that i could have ever done is cry cause of you in public and while im at work.
no, ive never hooked up with anyone and i have no plans to do so. Yes, i'm vulnerable,but I'm not stupid.
I'm doing this partly cause I'm safe in my own bleak world and I have to stop hurting myself one step at a time.
by not caring for you that much anymore.

cause that's what you've been doing too.